


feelin some more

by eboybh



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Billy is Alive, M/M, billy just needs a little love, billys the american, hopper is billy’s only good father figure, i said what i said
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-11-24 19:00:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20912531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eboybh/pseuds/eboybh
Summary: gasping. gagging. he couldn’t breathe. couldn’t move. he was dying. if he could move he’d be clawing at his neck, sobbing and choking. all he could do was watch as he fell farther and father. he was passing clouds which flashed red.there was so much pressure around him. he was sure his ears were bleeding from how much they were aching. his lungs aches and burned. they felt cold. filled with ice.within a couple flashes of red it went back to black and he was left with nothing.





	1. the americans

billy heard voices. he couldn’t recognize the voices or what they meant but they were surrounding. he felt wet. then he felt hands. they were under his arms and his knees. then he was lifted. 

he still couldn’t bring himself to move. he felt a hand swipe over his face and he felt the goop slide off of his features. he heard more voices and they started echoing. he tried to focus hard but he couldn’t hear anything. 

he couldn’t understand what was happening. he didn’t know why he was paralyzed and why he couldn’t understand what they were saying. he’s supposed to be dead. six feet under. in heaven or hell or in nothing. 

of all the gibberish that was surrounding him, he did recognize one word. stuck out like a sore thumb. 

american. 

—

« hey, hey kid. you okay? » everything felt thick. like if he breathed too hard he’d choke on chunks of air. billy wasn’t paralyzed. his eyes opened. his fingers twitched. his stomach growled. 

but he hurt. everywhere. his sides, his back, his head, everything. it hurt to move. it hurt to think. he felt a hand touch his side and he screamed. 

a searing pain that shocked him down to his core ripped through his body. his back arched off the ground and he felt like he was brought back to life. he didn’t feel dead. but he did feel like he was going to pass out. 

he opened his eyes wide and looked at the man above him. he had a beard, scraggly thing, and dark eyes. he looked exhausted. as if he lost all ability to move yet trudged on. 

« shit! im sorry! » billy still gasped for air and heaved. he tried to roll over but that only made him scream louder. his chest dripped. billy sobbed into the ground and gagged again. he felt disgusting and tired and spent. 

in a desperate attempt to make the pain stop, he tried to grip at his necklace. it was gone. he looked down. he was covered in black sludge and it dripped from his chest and sides, pooling below him. 

slowly, billy reached down and pulled his shirt up. then he threw up. it was also black. he heaved and threw up again. then he felt hands grip at his arms. he was getting dragged off. 

he didn’t have any power to fight. all he could do was sob and heave. billy desperately clinched his teeth as he felt his shirt stick to his black-blood covered chest. 

he heard those voices again. a language he couldn’t understand or recognize. he panted and looked up. they had on uniforms. they weren’t camouflage uniforms covered in the us flag. he knew what he was looking at. then he threw up again. 

he heard a door open and he was hoisted up onto a table and strapped down. he gasped for air as one went over his ankle. he gripped at the sheets and choked. 

« breathe. four seconds in, four seconds out, » a nurse said. she was pretty. her eyelashes long and her lipstick bright. billy tried to comply but he ended up gagging again.   
« you need to count down from 50, » she pressed a needle into billy’s arm, which ripped another scream out of him. he felt like his veins were filled with magma. 

« i’m dead, » billy gurgled. he felt like he was going to throw up again from the taste in his mouth. out of the many times he’s thrown up, it’s never tasted like this. it tasted rotten. like death. 

« not anymore, » a thin lipped smile was the last thing he saw before passing out. 

—

when billy woke up he was face to face with concrete. his clothes didn’t stick to him anymore and his hair. he was expecting to feel it against his neck and face when he rolled over, but he felt nothing. he leaned up quickly and felt his head. it was shaved. 

« no, no no no, » billy whispered and scrambled around for something to see himself with. he noticed the beds were made of metal and looked in the distorted reflection. it was gone. his hair was gone.   
« no fucking way, » he tried to wipe the surface of the metal as if it would change. his hair was gone. all those years of growing it out were gone. useless. 

he looked down at his chest and noticed his necklace was still gone. he turned and saw the man asleep. he slowly stood and winced when he felt dull pain shoot through his ankle. he stumbled towards the bed and yanked the man out of bed with an amount of strength he didn’t know he had. 

« where is it! did you steal it! tell me! » billy didn’t know why he was accusing the man. the only other person he could blame was the nurse but he didn’t think of that. all he knew was that when he woke up the man was above him and his necklace was gone. 

« what? what are you talking about? » the man grumbled and tried to push him away. his hand landed on billy’s chest and billy gasped and pulled away. he gritted his teeth as he felt pain stab through his heart. 

billy felt like the breath was knocked out of him. like he died again. he pressed his fingers into the concrete ground and gasped for air. 

« kid? you okay? » the man spoke again. billy hated how sincere his concern sounded. billy turned quickly and stared. 

« who are you? what happened? tell what happened right now, » billy wanted to fight something. someone. he finally felt in control again and he wanted to prove it. he itched to hit someone. 

« i don’t know. guards threw you in here and you were covered in black shit, » the man stuttered out. billy gritted his teeth. 

« you didn’t say who you are, » billy felt like his skin was going to pull apart. his chest was throbbing and the shirt was starting to stain again. 

« jim hopper. everyone calls me hopper, » the man said. billy nodded. he stood up and limped.   
« do you remember how you got here? » hopper said and leaned up. billy blinked slowly and looked away. 

« i died, » billy stated. hoppers eyes widened before he nodded once. 

« well ain’t that something, » he said and laughed. billy didn’t. he stared at the man. 

« my sister watched me die. she watched this monster stab me and kill me. i should be dead right now, » billy gritted out. he felt like he was going to cry thinking about max, but he refused. he shut his eyes and looked down. 

« i’m sorry about that kid, » hopper was quiet. he didn’t know how to respond, which was understandable. it’s not everyday you meet someone who literally died. 

billy swallowed thickly and thought. what if he was dead. what if this is hell. the only thing he’s felt since he died was pain. 

« who are you, » hopper said quietly. billy stopped breathing for a second. he didn’t know why he did. he felt nervous to talk to this man. he knew that he would turn on him at some point. that’s how it always happens. 

« billy, » he said quietly and looked away. he stared at the concrete walls and stumbled towards it. he placed his fingers down.   
« do you know where we even are? » hopper huffed and stood up. 

« russia, » he grumbled and laid back in bed. billy paused before looking at hopper. 

« russia’s a big country, » billy said and paced. hopper leaned up and looked at billy. 

« so you’re just gonna ignore that we’re on the other side of the ocean? ignore that we’re really really far from home? did that hit you? » hopper grumbled. billy paused. 

« look, i don’t care how far away i am from home, i’m getting back whether you like it or not! » billy yelled. hopper looked surprised by how loud billy yelled. 

« yelling isn’t gonna get you anywhere. in case you didn’t know, we’re in the middle of nowhere in northern russia. i wouldn’t be surprised if everything is frozen over out there! » hopper yelled back. 

« i don’t care! i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care! i need to get back to my sister! » as soon as sister left his mouth billy froze. he didn’t mean for the words to slip out, but they did. 

he needed to see his sister.


	2. reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he didn’t know what disturbed him more; that he killed someone or that he was going to do it again and again and again. nobody could stop him, not even himself.

billy felt like he was going to vomit. he couldn’t wake himself up as he was forced to watch himself drag a bound heather across the concrete floors. he hoped it was just a bad dream but he knew deep inside it was a memory. 

he watched as he dropped the woman carelessly on the ground. billy saw tears well up in his own eyes and he did the same. he desperately wanted to help, hopefully change the past so he could wake up at home with no memory of any of this happening. 

then she woke up. billy had to watch as the other version of himself speak in a voice that didn’t even sound like his. he turned away quickly as he heard screaming ring around him. he tried to cover his ears but they were piercing through everything. 

he didn’t know what disturbed him more; that he killed someone or that he was going to do it again and again and again. nobody could stop him, not even himself. 

he turned and sobbed as he saw heather laying motionless. the other version of him watched. he knew exactly what he was feeling in that moment, but it didn’t show. nothing showed through. 

billy gasped as he woke up. he breathed heavily, trying to calm himself down but he couldn’t. tears tracked down his face and he cried. he hadn’t cried this hard in a while. he sobbed loudly, forgetting there was someone else in the room with him. 

« billy? » hoppers voice was quiet and sleepy. billy nearly jumped out of his own body when he heard his voice. he turned and saw hopper looking at him, confused and then worried. 

« hey, what’s wrong? » hopper was still extremely tired and he had a hard time understanding what happened. he noticed billy crying harder when hopper asked him what’s wrong. 

billy tried to stutter out a pathetic apology but hopper got out of bed and sat next to him in billy’s. he touched billy’s shoulder and the teen flinched away.

the situation was strange. hoppers helped el when she had nightmares but she always wanted a hug or to sleep in his bed that night. billy was being the opposite. he wanted to be alone and he hated to be touched. 

hopper just sat there quietly as billy sobbed and tried to speak to him but nothing came out coherent. poor thing couldn’t say anything. 

« why don’t you lay down. if you have any more bad dreams you can get me, okay? just know they aren’t real. » _but they are real_. billy did everything in his nightmare or memory or whatever he could call it. it kept replaying in his head. he would be fine if he knew it was fake but it wasn’t. it was as real as hopper was. as real as this situation. as real as any situation. 

« it is real, » billy stumbled over his words. it was the first thing hopper understood and it scared him. he wondered what this kid experienced for him to be this terrified of others. 

« kid, i promise it’s not real, » hopper tried to help but it only made billy more panicked. his breathing got heavier and his fingers were digging into his scalp. 

« _it is_! i did it! i killed her! i killed all of those people! » billy was yelling now. his voice sounded unsteady as he tried to breathe between his sentences. 

hopper tried to understand what he was saying but he was shocked. he didn’t know how to react. it took him a second to realize this kid killed people. he seemed so broken and scared in the nearly 24 hours they’ve known eachother. 

« i.. i tried to stop, » billy’s sobbing started to quiet down. hopper, now fully awake, reached for him. 

« can i touch you? » hopper was quiet. billy was taken aback by the question. he’s never been asked permission to touch him. he’s always been touched and he just had to be okay with it. 

billy nodded and hopper wrapped his arm around him. billy leaned against hopper and shut his eyes. he couldn’t get the image of all the peoples faces as they realized their fate. faces of men, women, and worst of all, children. 

maybe it was billy’s fault. what if he didn’t truly become an animal, but he _already_ was an animal. that creature tapped into some primal rage inside of him and forced him to take it all out in ways he didn’t want to.

billy sobbed again as he thought about that. he was a monster. everything was his fault. he shouldn’t have tried to sleep with karen. he shouldn’t have even paid attention to her. he was so used to being looked at that way by older women he thought it was normal. 

he started to think of everything he would’ve changed but he couldn’t. he can’t change anything. he’s just stuck with the consequences. 

* * *

it took forever for billy to finally go to sleep that night. it was only after he ran out of tears for him to cry. billy’s hands ached from gripping onto hopper and his eyes burned when he blinked. 

he felt like his world was falling apart. maybe it was. billy didn’t know what day it was or what time it was. his hair was starting to grow out to the point where billy could feel it curl again. 

hopper looked at him differently now after his hair grew out a bit. he stared at him like he was a distant memory. billy wanted to ask what he was thinking of, but he decided against it. he didn’t want hopper to ask him what he was thinking, so he assumed hopper felt the same. 

it took a while for billy to open up more. he talked about the monster, about the clone of himself, and his biggest fear. he was terrified of becoming his father and that’s what he became.

one day hopper asked him about his family. i must’ve been 3 weeks by then so hopper was wondering why billy hadn’t mentioned anyone other than his sister.

« what about your family? mom? dad? » hopper was trying to be friendly but billy felt a spear shoot through him. billy kept his head down and shook his head. 

« don’t know, » billy said and looked at his fingers. he ran his tongue along his molars and waited for a response. 

« aren’t they.. worried about you? » hopper sounded nervous when he asked but billy just shrugged and kept his head down. 

« probably not. id be surprised if my mom even knows im missing or dead, » billy said with a bittersweet smile. he looked up at hopper and winked. 

billy started to become more like his usual self as the days went on. at least billy thought so. he started being impulsive, mean and nearly feral at some points.

there was two points when the nurses tried to bring him back for a check up he bit one of the women. he didn’t know where it came from, but he laughed. he laughed and laughed as he was tied down and a mask was pressed to his mouth. he laughed up until he passed out. 

maybe billy was finally starting to lose it. after years of only knowing pain, maybe dying was his breaking point. he’s hitting rock bottom and he’s losing it on the ride down. 

instead of crying at pain he started laughing. hysterical. he’d throw his head back and do that manic laugh he’d only use when he was truly losing control of himself. it became more and more frequent. 

he was still emotional at some points, but he hid it with this demeanour that mirrored a wild animal. he acted as if he wasn’t crying on hoppers shoulder a couple weeks ago, instead taking that time to deny it. 

« what about you, hops, » billy said with that same stupid smile. billy knew it was stupid, but he kept it glued on when hopper looked down. 

« i have a daughter. her names jane but everyone calls her el, » billy’s smile drops. he felt like he was hit in the chest by a semi. he felt his heart stop and then quicken. he felt himself die. 

« _el_? like, e-l? » billy spelled it out, hopping he was mistaken. he wasn’t. his heart was in his threat as he described her. he talked about her hair and how much it’s grown, her eyes that sparkled whenever she learned a new word or some type of grammar she didn’t know about. 

billy wanted to vomit and he kept his head down. he started to feel everything again. he kept on remembering the face of the girl hopper described as powerful but under him, weak and scared.

the way she touched his face and he felt buzzing all around him. he remembered her throwing him through the air with tears and blood running down her face. he remembers her crying and collapsing. 

« you okay? » hopper said. billy stayed silent. his hands gripped his sweatpants as he tried to tell himself he didn’t really try to kill this girl. _it wasn’t his fault_. 

« i’m sorry, » billy whispered. he felt like his chest was about to collapse into a black hole. that feral animal exterior started to crumple up and he became that scared puppy that he always was. 

« it’s fine. »

« no, no, im really sorry. i.. i didn’t know, » billy felt his throat close up again. he tried to clear his throat as he shut his eyes. all he could see was that little girl. in a raincoat. deep, sharp voice. screaming. bloody. wet. she was loud. a good type of loud. a _strong_ type of loud.

« billy, what’s wrong, » hopper sounded more harsh and billy gasped for air. his thoughts were running wild. he was shaking. 

« i’m so sorry, » billy choked out. he knew what was coming. he wasn’t able to breathe. he was hunched over and he bit onto the back of his hand. 

« sorry about what, » hopper stood up and billy bit down harder. he waited for it. his teeth started to pierce his skin and blood started to pool in his mouth. « billy what are you sorry about, » hopper rose his voice. his hands formed a fist and billy choked out. 

« i didn’t mean to hurt her, » billy mumbled around his hand. he yelped like a wounded animal when hopper grabbed him by the collar. hopper was much bigger than neil. he was taller, bulkier, stronger. billy tried not to cry when he was slammed against the wall. 

« what did you do? what did you do to her! » hopper started yelling. billy’s blood dripped down his chin as he gripped on hoppers chest. he wanted to fight back but he knew he couldn’t. 

« stop! » billy was crying now. he couldn’t breathe. he felt constricted. he was terrified. 

« what did you do! » billy was lifted off the ground. billy’s feet dangled as he cried and tried his hardest to breathe. hopper looked as if he didn’t even recognize billy. all hopper could focus on was this person that hurt his daughter. 

« _i didn’t mean to hurt anyone_! » billy screamed and hopper flew back, slamming against the wall and fell down onto the floor. billy fell too and he sobbed out when he hit. 

hopper scrambled against the wall as billy laid on the ground choking and sobbing. hopper was breathing heavy. he started to see that vulnerable 18 year old again. 

billy cried into his bloody hand and gripped onto the concrete flooring as if he could get any grip. 

« _holy shit_, » hopper whispered under his breath. he stared at the kid and couldn’t help but recognize el in him. the way he was crying and curling up onto himself. 

billy kept on crying im sorry over and over as if he forgot all other words. he was ugly crying at this point. drooling, nose running, face flushed. he really was at rock bottom. 


End file.
